Saturday, February 9, 2013

Sarcastic Responses to FAQs and Comments I Get About Working From Home

If there is one thing that you've learned about me through my blog is that I'm brutally honest. I'm downright blunt. I don't sugarcoat things, to say the very least. I have known my friend Sally since we were about five years old. She is on virtually all of my phone overviews, and she knows HOW I want to respond sometimes. She can tell you that I've gotten a lot more... diplomatic? Tolerant? I don't know the word. However, she has had to interrupt me a few times.

I just thought I would give the folks on my team a laugh with this blog entry, and perhaps make some people that are thinking about it realize that their fears and doubts are unfounded and maybe contact me for more info. (You can email me at CandyCain(at)wedeliverwellness(dot)com or call my voicemail at 631.954.1919 and leave a message-- I promise I will call you back.)

This is a pyramid scheme.

No, it isn't. Pyramid schemes are illegal. Our CEO sits on the US National Board of Ethics as well as the US National Chamber of Commerce, and the company has carried an A+ rating with the Better Business Bureau since 1987. But thanks a lot for trying to make me seem like a scam artist and my livelihood appear to be a joke.

You know, just for doing that, let me point out how YOUR current job - or the job that you used to work - is a pyramid scheme. Oh, you worked in corporate America? Yeah, it's still a pyramid scheme:

With my company, you have no limit to the amount of money that you can earn. You can make millions, if you work hard. You won't make it overnight or even in a month-- But you CAN get there. Can you make millions working as a lingerie associate in JC Penney? No, you can't. Trust me-- I was one. But, if you're satisfied living in your fear to just fold panties for the rest of your life, we probably wouldn't work together very well anyway.

Do you really make money with this?

No, I do it for fun. I have twin four year olds, own a travel and event planning company, amd very active in my kids' school, and my husband is a cop who works non-stop, so I figured I would take up marketing as a hobby. I do it for free. The company tries to send me checks, but I tell them to keep them.

Here's a check from almost exactly one year ago, when I worked maybe 25 hours in January 2012:

Yes, it is less than $700, but that's because I only had this check scanned on my computer. And, if you do the math, that breaks down to $27.69 per hour completely from home. No sales, no inventory, no parties, no investments, no risks-- No kidding. I do my business how I want, when I want, and work my schedule around my family.

And, yes, I really do get paid for it.

There's gotta be a catch.

(Insert sarcastic font here... They really need to develop one of those.)

Yes, there sure is a catch. If you want to work full-time with me, you have to spend eight hours a day here in my location, and I will give you one hour for lunch. You must be here no later than 9am and leave no earlier than 5pm, which means that you have to spend at least one hour in your car per day, on your own dime and your own time. You must spend upwards of $4000 per year to pay for your own gasoline to drive to and from work. You must dress nicely-- No jeans or sneakers. You must do what I tell you to do and meet all of your deadlines. Your starting salary will be $10 per hour, and I will review your performance in six months to see if I think you deserve to make extra money. You must provide your children with your own childcare, as there is no daycare at work. And, no, I will not give you any money towards it-- You can pay that through the money that you earn working for me. I must approve all of your vacation time, and you can have two weeks per year. No, you can't have holidays off, since there are others that are senior to you. You have ten sick days that you can use each year, and you must have a doctor's note to prove you're sick, because I don't trust you. If you don't provide a doctor's note, you will be docked pay and perhaps even terminated. You will have a cubicle next to Ralph, the creepy guy that still wears pocket protectors and won't stop talking about his grandma's cornbread.

Come on.

I know someone who works the above job that I typed out. She got a raise and is earning $13.50 per hour. And Ralph indeed talks about his love affair with his grandmother's cornbread at every turn.

Want to see a picture of my "co-worker" in my office? Here you go:

Incidentally, that's my daughter, Catherine. She's my coach. Both of my kids are, really, but she actually looks at my business reports and whatnot. I reach my goals FOR my kids, because I set a business goal and they choose a reward that they get. For example, I hit a big goal that I was striving for, and I'm taking my kids to a dude ranch on the 18th. I answer to my family, because I ask them to hold me accountable. They don't breath down my neck.

And they don't even like cornbread.

I hate sales.

Well, thanks for that little tidbit about yourself. I hate sales, too. It's a good think I work in marketing then, eh?

I don't know how many times I can say it: No sales. No inventory. No quotas. No investments. No risk. No parties. No deliveries. You don't handle other people's money.

I explain everything on my phone overview, if you'd like to call in. Again, just contact me.

This sounds good to be true.

You know what is too good to be true? Dishwashing. I love dishwashing. I really do. No one in my house is allowed to fill the dishwasher, because I have total OCD over it. If it isn't filled correctly, I completely freak out, unload the dishwasher, and reload it. And pots and pans?? I view them as a challenge! I do some of my best thinking when I'm scrubbing grubby pots and pans.

Can you believe that they actually pay people to wash dishes at restaurants?? How cool is that! And they actually get paid for washing dishes!! Talk about too good to be true!!


Here's the thing, folks: If this sounds too good to be true to you, it's probably because you are or would be really good at marketing. There are some people that complain that this job is too "hard." Some people can't do it. I like washing dishes. I obsess about washing dishes. However, I would never work as a dishwasher.

You're nothing but a cellphone to me.

Someone actually said that to me on a call!! Sally and my sorority sister Kristy (who also works with me) still refer to it!!

No, I'm not a cellphone. But, thanks for the interesting insult. I've never been called a cellphone before. I'm a real person, just like you. However, I might just have a few more brain cells...

Am I allowed to quit if I don't like it?

No. Never. You start working with me, and I own you forever. I even get your soul when you die.

People actually ask me this!!!

A few things: Would you go to a job interview and ask them if you're allowed to quit if you don't like the job? Secondly, asking me if you're allowed to quit makes me not want to work with you. It makes me think you're going to half-ass this job. If you're already thinking about quitting, do me a favor and move on. We're probably not going to get along.

Yes, you can quit. Don't even ask me if you decide to give me a call. If you're not happy, you can quit. Hopefully, you see what I see and stick with me, my team and the company for a while.

Just to give you an idea about my background, that's me getting makeup put on in the photo. With my other company, Candy Cain Travel, I work in paradise. I even had a television show about destination weddings in development. My company is extremely successful, but you can't measure happiness in dollars. I want to bring this marketing business to a point where I don't have to do travel anymore, if I don't want to. I don't have a background in marketing. I have a degree in Dramatic Literature from The George Washington University. I'm a sister of Alpha Delta Pi. I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I'm an entrepreneur. Can you relate to any of that?

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